Nicknames of criminals in Colombia: a tradition
My mom is one of the most talented people at giving nicknames in history. It's incredible how no one is better at it than us.
The intelligence services in Colombia, or what is commonly referred to here somewhat paradoxically because it's not that they are very intelligent, reported years ago that a shadowy and alleged criminal with a historic and memorable alias, 'Lavomatic,' was captured in Sucre. Alongside him, the press reports, fell his trusted man, whose nickname leaves no doubt about his dangerousness: alias 'Mosquito.'
If someday, after centuries, someone takes an interest in Colombia and its history and destiny, that will undoubtedly be the predominant and unique theme, that of our aliases to designate our criminals, oh unfading glory.
Not violence, politics, football, art, happiness, or power, no, but these dazzling nicknames that also seem to sprout spontaneously, each time better and more original.
Here, probably what happens is unlike anywhere else in the world, we baptize people twice. Your parents give you a name, but your friends and acquaintances end up giving you a better one based on how your face looks.
Because in all of them, there is always ingenuity and talent, no mediocre concession to obviousness or ease. What does one have to do, for example, to be called 'Lavomatic' in their circle? I have no idea, and I don't want to know either. What does that nickname even mean? I have no idea, hahaha.
Additionally, because it's a highly competitive and demanding circle, I suppose. But there is a story there that goes beyond the venerable and ancient tradition of giving criminals a nickname.
Even my mom has an unmatched talent for giving nicknames. She used to call a woman "dÃa por medio" because she would come to our house to ask for money every two days, haha. To a homeless man that my mom gives food to, and they get along very well, she gave the nickname "agua helada" because he always comes to the house asking for water.
To a cousin who received money from an inheritance, my mom nicknamed him "millón y medio" I can't explain it, but the precision in giving people nicknames is an incredible talent. Everything is very accurate: the name with the face or the situation. It's something very cultural in Colombia.
Just by randomly searching on the internet, there is an endless list of criminals whose aliases make you forget their criminal record and actions immediately, and you want to know the reason they are called or were called that way: alias 'Rikarena,' alias 'Mueble Fino,' alias 'Pata Rancia,' alias 'Alpinito,' alias 'Niño Dios,' alias 'Diarrhea or Diarrea,' alias 'Bola Queso,' alias 'Crimen' (how would that be), alias 'Botellita,' alias 'Hangover or Guayabo' (how would that be), alias 'Guri Guri.'
And that's not surprising to me because almost nothing surprises me when it comes to nicknames since I was born in their world capital, which is Santa Marta, where there was a poor boy years ago who was called 'Miniteca (like discotheque)' because of the incessant twitch of his eyes: he opened and closed them non-stop, like lights at a youth party. Another guy a little older had the habit of tilting his head to the left all the time; they called him 'Six and Five,' as if he were a clock's hour and minute hands.
Although some may say it's the same everywhere, it's not true: not even in Mexico, our closest rival, is there such a display of grace and whimsy in nicknaming its criminals, who, between us, have lamentable aliases. They have very bad nicknames.
On the other hand, we had 'Gordo Lindo' and 'Pecueca' (Fart), although perhaps my favorites are 'Nevecón' (Refrigerator) and 'Mantel' (Tablecloth), a pair of thieves who specialized in pilfering and looting restaurants in the Chapinero locality, in the capital, leaving nothing behind, as reported by Alerta Bogotá, which indicates that 'Mantel' was arrested in the act while wearing a checkered shirt.
'Firulais' had a worse fate in Manizales, a renowned and fearsome (judging by his nickname) member of the 'los Kikos' gang of apartment robbers, whom the authorities confused with another criminal who had the same nickname and many more outstanding debts with the law. Poor 'Firulais,' according to local newspapers, has had to fight a tough legal battle to keep his crimes from being mixed up with anyone else's. Perhaps he would have been happier with another nickname, who knows. 'Carepene' and 'La Cuca' (The Vagina) didn't fare any better. It's a very delicate issue.
Or as 'Mugre,' Pablo Escobar's famous hitman, now a pastor in Spain, used to say: "Only my friends call me that."